Anniversary

May 26, 2008
a day i wont soon forget.
a day that to any other is but another check on a list of passing days counting down on an infinite clock until they become what they once were,
dust.
how i long to be them at times, free from the restraints that tie my memory to this day.
yet here i lay, helpless to the wanderings of my mind, the beating of my heart.
two years ago today, a few hours before now you asked me into your life.
i accepted, never knowing what was ahead.
today i sit in melancholy, wondering the point of it all.
You were once my best friend, my lover, my confidant.
I need not know any fear while you held me in your arms and whispered in my ear.
yet, you were the one to be feared.
you held the knife that cut me like butter, leaving a scar in the shape of your name, branding me to your ownership.
the blood dripped, as did the tears that washed me clean.
through the pain i found myself, covered once by your very essence.
your essence, something i held so dear, wrapping around myself like a blanket.
your essence, the one thing that was suffocating me was what i loved the most.
i forgave you like a fool, wanting you, needing you. planning a life as the wife of you.
i saw each bruise as it appeared on my skin, each tear as it rolled down my face
yet i forgave you.
beyond forgiveness, i gave you a key into the depths of my soul and allowed you to destroy me from within.
you couldn't have done it without me
so perhaps i was that knife that cut in so deep
perhaps i was the one who left your name imprinted on myself.
and why is it so easy to forgive the one holding the knife, before forgiving the blade
you received pass after pass while i let myself bleed until nothing was left.
but i loved you
so that was the price i paid, nothing in life is free.
i traded myself for a short lived romance leaving nothing but shattered pieces of a future you once helped me build
a heart torn into crumbs not even an ant bothers to notice
two souls, once joined, hiding from each other like scared children

May 26, 2010
Now, you are but a memory in the chaos of my mind.
my heart still remembers your love
my skin still remembers you're touch
but i do not want you now
in foolishness i wish to be in the past where you were mine
i cannot know if that past will ever again be a truth of the present
but i hope it does not
for in my mind you cannot lie, manipulate, or hurt.
you promised me forever, and like the foolish girl i am i believed you
you gave me a ring, yet it was worth more in dollars than in meaning
you played with my mind, my spirit
so no, i dont want you now.
still, i cannot let you go
not yet
your name is still visible on me, my tears have yet to wash me completely
in time i will be free for your strings
one day you will look upon me for solace from your mistakes
forgiveness is all i will offer